This Waking Nightmare Lingers (Show Me Who I Am)
by obi's girl
Summary: Mr. Gold's reunion with Belle doesn't go the way he expected; Belle is withdrawn and he doesn't know what to do to get her to come out of her shell.


Title: This waking nightmare lingers; show me who I am  
>AUTHOR: <span><strong>obisgirl<strong>  
>Rating: R<br>Characters: Mr. Gold/Belle, other supporting cast  
>Summary: Mr. Gold's reunion with Belle doesn't go the way he expected; Belle is withdrawn and he doesn't know what to do to get her to come out of her shell.<br>Spoilers: Episode 12, Post "Skin Deep"  
>Disclaimer: Once Upon a Time characters are property of Disney and Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis. This fanfic is for pure entertainment.<p>

Gold didn't want to close his eyes, he was afraid if he did that she wouldn't be there when he woke.

He ached to touch her, run his fingers through her now, very long brown hair, hold her in his arms until she fell asleep and kiss her tears away. He wasn't much for romance but it truly broke his heart to see Belle now, a far cry from the vibrant, dreamy, independent, fiery young woman he once knew.

She barely spoke and often shied away from him whenever he tried to touch her, hold her hand, brush hair out of her face; Gold didn't think much of it at first and then began to think, maybe she hated him. He didn't want to presume what Belle might be thinking of him, but it wasn't impossible to think after all this time and considering their bitter separation.

_28 years_, he had to remind himself. That was how long she had been alone, locked away, underneath the hospital. He wanted to blame Regina for locking her away but it wasn't her fault; it was his. He had spent decades alone, believing no one could love him and didn't deserve love because who could love a beast? She could, she wanted to and he chose his power over her because he didn't want to believe that she could love him. But Belle was right about him; he was a coward.

He made so many mistakes but the one he regretted the most was turning her away. Belle was his salvation but even now, it seemed like she was still in that dungeon. He wanted to help her but he wasn't sure how, or even if she wanted his help.

Gold sighed, turning his attention once again to the beautiful angel on his bed. He wanted to soothe her nightmares, tell her how sorry he was for everything…

Belle shifted uncomfortably in bed, her brow crinkling, a soft cry escaped her lips, prompting Gold to stand up and hobble over, kneeling down beside her.

He didn't want to scare her but he felt compelled to reach over and clear her long hair from her face, just so he could see her lovely face. He tried to be as gentle as possible, but a moment later, those lovely eyes opened and she stared curiously at him; it took his breath away.

"Belle, I…"

Her empty stare lingered a moment and then she turned over. He wanted to say that he was sorry for everything and he was for here for her, whenever she needed him; now, it seemed like she didn't even care.

Gold stood up and left the room.

~~

She didn't hate him.

All those years locked away, Belle had plenty of time to come to terms with their separation. She was still getting used to not falling sleep in a padded cell and seeing him again. He was all she ever thought of when she was in there.

His face haunted her dreams, their final goodbye a lingering nightmare, the way he looked at her after she had fallen, trying to remove the drapes.

Rumpelstiltskin wasn't a monster. The real monster was the one who locked her away. It wasn't his fault. No matter how much she was angry with him for treating her that way, she knew it was because he truly loved her and was scared of giving into that love.

Belle was scared too; she still remembered one of the Queen's guards snatching her as she left the castle, bounding her feet and her wrists, tossing her into the carriage. They shoved her into a dark cell, she demanded that they release her but they said the Evil Queen had need of her.

_Why would the Evil Queen have need of her? _

She sat in there for days and began to wonder if the Evil Queen even remembered that she was there. One day before going to sleep, she felt someone watching her. Belle remembered those cold eyes, staring at her; it sent shivers down her spine but she refused to acknowledge her presence after she had forgotten about her.

The next day when she awoke, Belle was alarmed to find herself in a different prison.

Rumple's home wasn't a prison, she reminded herself. She was free to leave whenever she wished but where would she go? Who would take of her? She didn't know anyone outside of the hospital, other than him. If she left, what would happen to her? The Queen was still a threat. She could have her arrested and thrown back into that padded cell.

No, more than anything, Belle didn't want be alone again. She was safe, alive and reunited with the man she still loved, despite what he might be thinking. But she wasn't ready yet and she prayed that he would be patient with her.

~~

Belle wasn't used to the sunlight as it freely flowed through the window, forcing her to wake up. She turned away from the window, hugging the nearest the pillow that smelled of him. She buried her face in the pillow, inhaling the scent that was specifically his smell. Even that hadn't changed, Belle thought, a small smile forming on her lips.

Finally, Belle got up, studied the room, found some clothes, a white shirt that belonged to him and a robe.

She found Gold in the kitchen, a nice apron over his black suit, cooking. It was an odd sight. She didn't say anything as he turned around, pan in hand, staring back at her.

"Good morning," he said, "I made some breakfast. You're probably very hungry. I'm not used to having guests so I got up early and bought some food,"

He could have sworn he saw her smile.

Belle sat down at the tiny table, watching him as he poured her some orange juice. He had cooked so much: eggs, pancakes, bacon, sausages, and biscuits with butter…it was more food than what she was used to eating at the hospital.

She started to cry.

Gold stopped pouring her juice, and reached over, putting a hand on hers.

"Hey there love, you don't need to cry," he soothed. "If you're not hungry now, I can put this away and you can eat later if you like,"

She shook her head. The food was too much but Belle didn't mind. If she could eat it all, she would. But that wasn't what bothered her.

Gold sighed and then backed away, picking up the plates to put away.

"No," she said, and he stopped, her voice startling him. "I'm very hungry actually. Thank you,"

He smiled, setting the plates back down. It wasn't much but he missed hearing her voice; she could have yelled at him then and he would still have a big grin on his face because at least, she was talking to him.

"All right," he said, "Eat what you like,"

He caught her smile that time.

~~

Belle was quiet, too quiet for Gold's taste but he didn't want to push her away. He offered to make some coffee or tea. Belle felt embarrassed but she liked tea and wondered if he still had it? The cup that she accidentally chipped. The man she knew wasn't sentimental but he was different now, she was different.

He made some lemon tea, preparing two cups for them but didn't use the chipped cup. Still, Belle smiled as he handed her a cup.

"How did you sleep dear?"

Belle only smiled, sipping her tea.

Gold sighed. "I didn't mean to interrupt your sleep last night but you seemed troubled," he said, hoping his concern would prompt her to talk to him.

"I had a nightmare," she said simply. "That's all,"

"Oh, I'm sorry dear," Gold mused. "If you don't mind me asking, what was it?"

She took another sip of the tea, relishing the warm liquid running down her throat. "The same nightmare," she whispered, the same nightmare she'd had for 28 years.

"What nightmare?" he asked again, putting his teacup down. "Listen Belle, I'm here to help you. You don't have to be afraid to talk to me, I know all of this must be difficult for you but you're not alone, dear, not anymore. I'm here for you, always,"

She felt like crying again. Gold reached over, gently rubbing her cheek. This time, she didn't shy away from him. Belle thought she saw something in his eyes, something she hadn't seen in a very long time.

"Thank you for breakfast," she said, "It was delicious,"

"You're welcome, love," He smiled, sitting back slowly, suddenly becoming worried. "Um, I have to leave you temporarily this morning. There's an errand I have to run but I won't be long," he promised, "A friend is coming over to watch you,"

Belle didn't say anything. Gold stood up, placing the rest of the plates in the sink. Belle drank some more of her tea, which had gotten cold since her last sip. She sat drinking her juice instead, watching for whomever was coming to accompany her. Gold slipped out from the kitchen to fix her bed when his visitor finally arrived.

"Aw, Sheriff Swan," he greeted.

"Morning Gold," she said, "Where's our damsel?"

He led her back to the kitchen and Belle, who was still staring out the window, listening to the birds. She turned, looking at Emma and Gold. "Belle, this is Sheriff Swan. She's going to be looking after you while I run my errand,"

Emma smiled at the girl.

"Hello," she said, turning her attention to Gold. "You'll return?"

"I will, I promise,"

~~

"Doctor Hopper," he greeted, "I wonder if I could ask you for some advice. I recently rescued a damsel in distress and she's having trouble coping with her new-found freedom,"

Archie leaned back in his chair, studying Gold. He rarely visited Dr. Hopper but quickly realized that this was a serious matter, otherwise Gold wouldn't be there. "Well, um, this young woman, how long was she trapped?" he inquired.

"28 years,"

Archie sighed, removing his glasses. "Then most likely, she is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder; a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after the patient has seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death," he reasoned.

Gold leaned on his cane. "And what would cause this disorder?"

"Several things can cause it but in this case, the feeling of imprisonment. The patient may experience flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again, like memories or nightmares,"

"Nightmares," he repeated. "The woman, the one I'm taking care of, I want to help her but every time I try and reach out to her, she rebuffs me. Is that because she still feels trapped?"

Archie shrugged. "Have you asked her?"

"No," he reasoned, "I am...I feel weak, helpless when I'm around her. How can I help her?"

"Patience, Mr. Gold. Patience is the key. Her recovery cannot be forced, she needs to adjust slowly, at her own pace but more than anything, she needs your support and her space when she needs it,"

Gold sighed, sitting down. "I'm not normally a patient man but I will be, for her, if that's what she needs," he mused, "Is there anything else?"

"I wouldn't recommend bringing her in now but if you can't reach her, then maybe she needs therapy, to bring her out of her shell. But that's the last resort," he advised.

~~

"It must feel weird to be outside," Emma commented sitting with Belle, drawing her out of her reverie.

"We're inside,"

Emma laughed. "No, I meant outside of the hospital," she said, "I was there when Gold rescued you. I don't know if you remember, or what you _remember_…"

Belle sighed. "I'd been trapped for so long down there, I would question what is real and what isn't; like my memories," she mused, "Mr. Gold, he's been good to me, helped me but I…I feel like I barely know him,"

"Normally, Mr. Gold isn't a very nice person but…you must be very special and important to him…otherwise he wouldn't have risked everything to save you," she surmised.

"I'm very grateful to him for giving me my freedom," Belle continued, "He's a good man,"

Before Emma could say anything, there a knock at the door, startling Belle. Emma whispered that it was all right and she went to see who it was. She figured it wouldn't be Gold since this was his house after all; turned out to be Henry instead, which surprised her.

"Henry, what are you doing here? Where's your mom?"

"I heard about what you did for Mr. Gold, rescuing that girl from the hospital and I looked through my book about who she might be," he said, casually walking into the house. He found the kitchen and Belle easily, smiling warmly at her as he sat down and placed his fairytale book on the table, flipping to the page he had bookmarked. Emma came in after him.

Belle looked curiously between Henry and the book.

"This is you," he said, pointing to a hooded woman, "Belle,"

"Um," Emma interrupted, "Henry, I don't think now is the best time for this, maybe later though?"

Henry turned to her. "This will help her remember, she kept her down there for a reason…we have to help her, Emma," he pleaded.

Belle took the book, flipping through the pages, flashes of fairytale world. Her life, faces of people, people she once thought were figments of her imagination but now, she felt were more real but they couldn't be.

"I remember this," she said, eliciting a nervous look from Emma and a smile from Henry. Before she could say another word, Gold arrived, joining them in the kitchen.

He looked pointedly at Emma. "I don't remember saying Henry could visit,"

"Oh sorry," Emma cried, "Henry showed up with his book and…" she lowered her voice, "She says that she remembers,"

Gold's cold demure melted and his eyes drifted to Belle as she examined the book. Mr. Gold had never seen Henry's book before but it triggered something in Belle as she ran her hands over it, holding it as if it were a precious thing.

"Henry," Gold started, "Would it be all right if I borrowed your book for a bit? I'll give it back to you later, I promise,"

Henry looked at Emma and then to Mr. Gold. "Sure," he piped.

~~

Mr. Gold watched Belle as she fervently studied pages and pages of stories from Henry's book. He vaguely remembered the book but he did remember Belle's fascination, or obsession with books. When she wasn't working, he would often find her sitting in his library with a stack of books.

"Belle," he started, "what does _this mean_ to you?"

"It's our past," she said, "Everything that ever happened, I used to think it wasn't real but it is,"

Gold looked down at the book, catching a glimpse of the story. It wasn't theirs but if she did remember, then she wouldn't need to read what happened. But he needed to know what happened to her. Gold knew Dr. Hopper told him not to force her but he felt so close to solving her mystery.

"What happened to you dear?"

She sighed. "When I left your castle, I was so angry and frustrated with you…I wasn't paying attention to the dark figures lingering nearby. They took me and locked me away, far, far away from you; then one day, something changed and I ended up in a different cell,"

_The Queen_, Gold thought, making a fist. _He should have never believed her. Why did he?  
><em>  
>"No one ever came to see me, no one except her," she continued, glancing quickly at him. "I used to wonder why you didn't come after me and I realized why…"<p>

"Why did you think it was?"

"You didn't want me, you said so yourself," she snapped.

Gold's heart sank. He had been such a fool; it broke his heart to think that was why Belle thought he didn't come and look for her. "That wasn't it," he reasoned, "I thought you were dead, love. I was told that your father tortured you and you committed suicide,"

"Suicide?" she cried, "That may have well been the truth; I felt dead inside. All I had were my memories to sustain me, memories of a time I spent with you…I loved you and you turned me away,"

"I know and I deeply regret that now," he said, "Belle, my sweet Belle, every day I've spent without you, I've regretted. I should have told you the truth when I had the chance. You were right, I was a coward. You saw right through me…"

"How do I know what you're telling me now isn't a lie?"

"Because…" he pleaded, bracing his hands around her face, running his fingers through her hair, "You see me so clearly than anyone else. Belle, your love is my salvation. I am hollow inside without you, I need you and I missed you so much..."

Belle leaned forward suddenly and kissed his cheek. Mr. Gold stilled, breathing in her scent, wanting nothing more than for her to kiss him some more. Then, he remembered what Doctor Hopper told him. He couldn't force her.

"I know," she whispered, "I missed you too, so very much. There were nights, all I could dream about was the happy time we spent together in your castle and the kiss...I didn't mean to offend but I..."

Belle sighed, this time kissing him on the lips. Mr. Gold pulled her in close; so much that she fell into his lap. Their closeness reminded her of the time she struggled to pull down the curtains and she lost her balance and fell right into his arms. That time seemed so long ago now.

Mr. Gold ran his hands through her brown hair that felt like silk under his fingertips.

Belle leaned in closer, whispering into his ear, "I forgive you, my love,"

Her words gave him a solace he didn't think he would ever feel.

Regrettably, it had taken almost thirty years for him to realize his mistake: he should have never turned Belle away. He could have been happy and free a long time ago if he just allowed himself but he was too stubborn; he didn't deserve such happiness or that he could be loved by someone like Belle.

More than anything, he craved that love, wanted to feel it burn within himself and in her.

"Belle?" he asked.

She knew what he wanted to ask and smiled, her blue eyes telling him it was okay; it was what she wanted too. After all these years, why waste another moment?

~~

Mr. Gold smiled, kissing her as he brought their bodies closer together Before Belle knew it, both of them were naked and she was lying underneath him on her gently brushed a hand through her brown hair, letting the strands filter through his fingers. He started trailing kisses down her shoulders, to her neck and body. Belle shivered involuntarily, wrapping one arm around his neck, pulling him closer. As she did so, he came into her. Not fully inside her, but she felt wiggled around a bit, eliciting moans from her lover that only became louder.

If Mr. Gold could suspend time, he would freeze it around them so they would be together always, in each others arms because nothing was sweeter than spending his days in Belle's arms.

Belle closed her eyes; she had never before felt so much passion. Gold moaned, breathing hard as he reached down, stroking her hair with his hand. She continued to kiss him, her hands roaming freely over his body until he grasped them both; pulling her so she was straddling him. He stared at her for a moment before kissing her; Belle opened her mouth, her tongue dueling with his as her hips moved against each other.

As Belle continued her exploration of his body, Gold's ministrations became faster. She stopped kissing his chest, closed her eyes and made soft cooing sounds, wrapping her body tightly around him, unconsciously forcing him deeper inside of her in a quick, swift motion. Belle's eyes opened suddenly upon realizing what she did and looked up at him. He smiled at her, kissing her forehead before returning to a slower pace.

Belle closed her eyes, moaning as Gold's steady rhythm became faster and faster with his hands around her waist. Belle's soft moans got louder, her body struggling to keep up with him but he pressed on. She shut her eyes, moaning louder and louder, sweat accumulating on her brow and around her breasts until she finally screamed, crying out his name.

She found Gold's hands on her waist, grasping them as lay beside her, holding her against his chest, wrapping his arms protectively around her. He smiled, kissing her temple, brushing her hair away her from her face. Belle still panted as her body started to cool itself down; she closed her eyes again, hearing nothing except for his heartbeat and she smiled.

Belle giggled. "I can't believe we waited 28 years to do that,"

"Was it worth the wait?" he asked.

"Yes," she whispered, turning her head to kiss him and then resting his head on his chest. "Now I feel like I can finally sleep,"

"You're tired already?"

Belle laughed, "Not of you," she mused, "but I feel at peace, whole. Does that make any sense?"

"It does," he said, his smile suddenly fading, understanding her meaning. Her sleep had been plagued by nightmares of a time she wasn't sure were real or not. "Belle, your nightmares – were they about me?" he wondered.

"Honestly?" she mused, "Some yes, others no. But I know they won't come back because you're here to protect me from them,"

"That's right, love, I will," he promised. "Always,"

The End


End file.
